I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
