Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
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