How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Randomize
