It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
