I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize