Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
It's not a walk of shame if you run
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
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