I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Randomize
