So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
