so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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