$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Randomize
