My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Bring me that man meat
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
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