my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
