DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Randomize
