glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
