If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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