Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
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