Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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