Soap is not a condiment
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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