it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
He? As in you personified your dick?
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
