i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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