FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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