ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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