I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Randomize
