he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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