So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I'm too high and old for this...
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
