Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
It's blow job season.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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