you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Randomize
