And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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