Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
