I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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