i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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