Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Randomize
