Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
two words: eviction party
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Randomize
