The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Randomize
