I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Randomize
