this beer tastes like vomit already
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
