Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
