I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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