First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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