Apparently you make a good broom.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
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