In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
it's like iHOP with fire
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
