Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
