On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
