She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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