I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
