When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I FOUND THE LEGS
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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