she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
His hands were made for my vagina.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
