I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
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