I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
