I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
