Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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