I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
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