He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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