I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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