Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
