I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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