i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
he just fucked me for my cheese..
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
