I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
